A Boy Named Susan

I’m sitting at the bar with my buddy Brian. We’ve ended up at ABC tavern after a long night of seeing bands, drinking all the alcohol, and walking around Brite Winter Fest. We’re ready to finally head home, and having had plenty to drink, I decide to use the bathroom before we call for an Uber. 

I walk into the bathroom. Both toilets are in use. The urinater in the corner sees me and while still urinating says, "Hey, come here." 

I smile at the ridiculousness of that request and assuredly say, "Nah."

"Yeah, come here. What's your name?”

Obviously, this guy has no clue what’s going on. 

"My name's Su...san.” That was the best my now slow-witted, alcohol-infused brain could come up with. 

"Susan?! Your name's not Susan."

Laughing a bit, "Yeah it is! Susan. It's a weird name.”

The other guy peeing confirms that my name is Susan but the corner urinater doesn’t seem convinced. 

He finishes peeing, walks passed the sink towards me, and suddenly, BANG! My head jolts back. Glasses fly off. I never saw it coming. Wow! This guy just actually punched me! Square in the face. What is this guy thinking?! He has no need to hit me. I mean no harm.

I calmly and gently put my hand on his chest and with a pleasant demeanor, oddly enough, I say "Whoa, dude. It's all good. It’s all good.” I’m not angry. Yet. I’m mostly just in awe at how absurd this whole situation has been.

His hand was still in a fist, ready to strike again. The other urinater also tried to quell the situation by saying "Whoa, man he's cool. He's cool.”

“He’s cool?”, says the guy who just clocked me.

“Yeah, man, he’s cool."

After a few seconds, the assailant was convinced that I was cool and relaxed his fist. 

Despite having just been punched, I still just want to take a leak. I walked pass him to the toilet. Nose is now bleeding a bit.

The kinder of the two urinaters says to me, "Whoa, did that guy just punch you?"


"Yo, that's not cool."

"That's life sometimes...I guess?"

I try to pee. Can’t pee. I am a bit riled up now and it’s just starting to occur to me that this guy is a super douchebag and I should be pissed.  

I walk out of the bathroom (still didn’t pee) and run into two bartenders DJ and Graham who just heard what happened and are asking who punched me. Yeah! Let’s find this guy! We look around a bit but he was gone. I'm not sure what I would have done if I saw him but I was pretty pissed at this point. 

I return to the bar where Brian is patiently waiting for me. I tell him I got punched. 

“What?!”, Brian responds. 

“Yeah, I got punched. It’s ridiculous."


“I don’t even know. I told him my name was Susan."